One Can Only Hope
by Hopeless Tragedy
Summary: GrimmIchi. Ichigo is left to deal with his breakup after Grimmjow leaves to travel the world and play music. How will Ichigo survive, after losing the love of his life? (This does NOT have a happy ending, so sorry in advance).
1. Chapter 1

The band plays, he sings, the album ends. Press the button again. Press play again. It's become disgusting the amount of times this album has been on repeat. All to hear that voice; his voice. God, what's wrong with me? I'm so pathetic. The first song is over, only eleven to go before the album ends again.

Funny… I remember him writing this song in my apartment. I've thought this every time I've played this stupid song. I wonder why I keep doing this to myself. Every night since he has left. Put the album on, hit replay till I feel like going to sleep, pass out, wake up, go to work, come home and repeat the process. It's been like this for over a month now. He's out living his dream. I'm stuck here wishing he never left. How selfish. How disgusting. I don't even know why I care. It's not like he is even thinking about me, he broke off all ties before he left to go on tour. The song comes to an end.

The next one starts. It slowly fades in from the noise of instruments being turned on, to the settle easy strumming of an acoustic guitar then the other instruments slowly fade in as well. The soft melody is nostalgic, as memories flood my mind. He's sitting against the headboard attached to my bed. My head is laying on his lap as he sings the song to me. It's my favorite in the entire album he wrote. He knows this. I've told him this. The music beings to fade into background noise as the memory of when he was still here begins to pull me under…

_He smiles as he looks down at me; that devilish smirk of his that makes my heart flutter. His lips move to sing the next verse but I'm lost in his bright cyan eyes. It's ridiculous how quickly I have fallen for him, I think to myself. I smile and look at the bedroom door as a bright blush spreads across my face. I begin to trace circles on his thigh to try and calm my unsteady nerves. His voice dies out. I turn to look up at him. His smile is gone, even the never faulting gleam in his eyes has faded. I got up from my laying down position and sat up to face him. Something wasn't right._

_"Ichi…" His voice was shaky. Not like his usual sarcastic, angry or pain in the ass self. I looked at him in question, all will to talk lost as I became anxious for the worst possible outcome to happen. He continued on, his voice still shaky as ever. "As you know my band and I… are agency has gotten a tour for us planned soon and, I'll be gone for a long while." I nodded agreeing to this, we've been talking about this for a couple weeks now. "Alright there is no easy way to say this…" He trailed off. He couldn't look me in the eyes anymore. Which is fine I couldn't look at him either. My head has fallen, my eyes staring at my hands as I twiddle my fingers. It's the only thing I can do to try and help with the anxiety. "Ichi…" I look up this time; his eyes are filled with tears that refuse to fall. "Ichi, I'm breaking up with you."_

_I knew this was coming. I don't cry, I only smile and nod my head. I knew this was coming; yet I still hurt, I still feel broken. I can't look at him any more. My head falls again and I look away from him. My eyes begin to un-focus the emptiness already setting in. He gets off the bed without looking at me. I can tell. He opens the bedroom door and quietly closes it behind him. I hear him put his shoes on and exit through the apartment door. It slams shut behind him; the locks already back into place. It's final now. He's gone and, I'm left alone here in my room. The monsters begin to crawl back out. All the self-hatred and anxiety that I had left behind years ago after she died are back. And I have no one to help this time._

My head falls to the mattress; my eyes are unfocused like before. Already I've grown to hate myself. I could have stopped him. I could have chased after him. But I didn't. I sat here. Didn't even speak a word. I'm worthless. No. I'm nothing. And that's never going to change. I shake my head. I know why I let him go. He could do better without me. Worthless.

I get up and go to the bathroom. I strip off my cloths and turn on the shower. I don't even feel the ice-cold spray as it hits my skin. I don't feel anything anymore. I turn the knob and change the cold water to hot. I scrub my body raw with soap, shampoo my hair, and rinse off before I turn the water off and get out. The bathroom mirrors are covered in steam. Good, I can't bare to even look at myself. I towel dry off before I head back to my room.

The album is still playing. I quickly shut it off before I hop into bed. Naked or not I don't care. I just want the day to be over. I just want everything to be over. But I'm to chicken shit to actually kill myself or do anything about. So here I am suffering day in and day out. I'm so pathetic, feeling like this over a breakup. I sigh heavily before I shut my eyes. Maybe if I'm luckily I'll die in my sleep tonight. One can only hope. I've been hoping for over a month now, maybe now it might finally happen. One can only hope…

**Okay so I just want to say that this is my very FIRST fanfiction ever. And all mistakes are my own and any remarks/comments would be greatly appreciated! I wasn't even really sure how to end this story at first but then an idea came and I was like sure why not... I tend to write out the entire story before submitting things so expect that if I actually do write more stories. Which I guess is a blessing and a curse, since you won't have to wait for a new chapter to emerge but, you'll never know what I am working on, if I actually am working on something.**

**Thanks for reading. :)**

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN Bleach or any of it's characters. Their use is for entertainment purposes only. ALSO the album I chose to correlate to this work ('The Devil And God Are Raging Inside Me' by Brand New), I DO NOT OWN. **


	2. Chapter 2

_I'm falling again. The clouds are vertical and the skyscrapers are horizontal and I'm falling down in between the two. I've had this dream a couple of times already. I never actually hit the ground yet. They usually say when that happens in your dream you die in real life, some stupid urban legend or something._

_ It's sad though right? Here I am falling to my death in my dream and I'm full on embracing it. I want it to happen. I want to meet my impending doom. Maybe then I'll finally be free of this hell I've casted myself in. But it won't happen; obviously someone up there likes to watch me suffer. I close my eyes and wait for myself to wake up from this dream._

The alarm blares off and I feel like shit. My head hurts and my eyes already ache. I turn the alarm off and get out of bed. 'Time to get ready for the everyday ritual' I say in a peppy attitude in my head mocking myself. I sigh heavily and get out of bed. I set off to find clothes for the day.

It's already five thirty and I have to be at work at six. It's only a ten-minute walk but I like to be early. It gives me enough time to make it seem like I'm happy and not this empty mess. I make a quick breakfast of toast and pour coffee into my travel's mug. I grab my shoes slip them on and head out the door. Descending the stairs of the apartment complex, I put on my fake smile like I do every morning and set off for work. It's just another ordinary day.

Work seems to drag on worse then normal. But then again I always think this. I open the door to my apartment and kick my shoes off before heading to the bedroom. I hit play on the stereo system and the album starts back up where it left off. Seven songs into the album, this one is only instrumental. I skip it. I just want to hear his voice. The next song starts, quick light strumming before it picks up into the song. His voice starts off very soothing before it becomes more enraged with the melody. I begin taking of my work cloths to put on something a bit more comfortable, though it's not like I'm going to leave my room much. I have a living room with a nice television and surround system hooked up, but what's the point when you barely feel alive… it is called a 'living' room after all.

The song beings to calm down, his voice becomes more soothing again as the chorus breaks in. I want to sing along, I know all the words. I just can't bring myself too do so. Instead I sit on my bed looking at the only thing I have of his that he left. A picture he put up above my stereo. It's a simple black and white photo of an everyday ordinary man. He is not smiling. There is nothing special about the picture; it is very plain and boring. The only thing that makes it interesting is in the black background it reads 'The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Me,' in white. I feel part of myself in this photo in every way. Constantly feeling at war with not only my emotions and intentions but the will to live and die also. I close my eyes and lay down. It's only three in the afternoon and I'm ready for bed. I grab my phone and set an alarm for five. A nap couldn't hurt…

_His voice fills my cloudy mind. I can't tell what he is singing but I know it's his voice. There is nothing around me just the emptiness I've grown accustom to the feeling. I'm standing in the middle of a never-ending hallway. I look forward it seems to stretch on forever but at the end there is a bright light. In the other direction it's the same but at the end it seems to get swallowed up by the darkness. _

_Some of the blurred objects that were once just apart of the wall being to come into focus. The hallway begins to look more like it belongs to a hospital. Doorways being to forum going down the hallway, however there are no doors. Just an indentation of what is supposed to be. Signs being to come into focus next, they are simple number markers; the one closest to me reads fifteen. The next-door sign is to far away to tell what number it is. Not caring which way I go, I press forward going in the direction of the bright light._

_Indentations of where windows should be begin to forum as I continue forward, but like the door frames there are no actual windows. Still I press forward, not sure what I am seeking here. My bare feet slap against the white tiles. The ground is cold but I don't mind, it's a comforting coldness. The walls and ceiling are also white or off-white. I always hated how boring hospitals were colored. It makes it so dreary and morbid. Like death is only a step away. His voice still echoes in my head. It sounds like my favorite song of his._

_The next sign comes into focus; it reads fifteen, just like the last one had. I turn around. Everything was placed how it was the last time I looked down the hallway, the darkness still in place. This time I don't walk, I run forward. The sign comes up much faster now but again reads fifteen. I continue on still pressing forward. Fifteen. Fifteen. Fifteen. Fifteen. They are all read fifteen… _

_Frustrated I change direction and head toward the darkness. Maybe I'm not intended to go toward the light. I walk toward the darkness, accepting my fate to come. The next sign reads fourteen. In the doorframe there is an actually door with a knob and everything. I reach for the knob and try to turn it, but it's locked. I leave the door behind and continue down toward the darkness._

_Thirteen, locked. Twelve locked. His singing seems to be getting louder the farther I go. This continues down till I reach the number six. The door is cracked. The singing is even louder still. I push the door open…_

My phone rings, its loud and ridiculous ringtone waking me from my slumber. I have already forgotten my dream. It's five now; I get up and turn it off, already getting a headache from the excessive noise. The album is still playing; it's restarted itself at least twice by now. It's playing my favorite song again. The memory floods to my mind but I quickly push it away. I go to the kitchen to make dinner. Continuing on with my everyday ritual. Dinner, sulk, shower, then finally sleep. No sense in breaking away from it now. I've already been doing this for far to long now.

The rest of the night is uneventful; it's the same as the day before, and the day before that. Like a never-ending cycle of shit I keep putting myself through. Again as I'm about to sleep I hope to not wake up in the morning. It's the only thing I've been holding on to. My last and only sign of hope left, to die while I sleep. One can only hope…


	3. Chapter 3

The alarm blares. _Get ready for work, put on the fake smile, head to the hospital. Don't stray from the routine. You've gone this long, keep going_.

It's November, the cold morning air attacks my face as soon as I step outside my apartment complex. I've never liked the cold, and what's worse is that I can see my breath, further empathizing how cold it actually is. I keep a fast walking pace trying to get to the hospital, wanting to get out of the cold as soon as possible.

I've been working at the nearby hospital for little over a year now. I'm surprisingly one of the few remaining starters when the hospital first opened. I mostly tend to patients after their surgery but once in a while I am called in for an emergency. Being a head staff has its perks I guess. I can basically come and go as I please. Helping wherever I see fit. But lately I just tend to stray over to the ones who are out of surgery to reassure mainly myself how things eventually get better. I don't know if it is actually working or not . . .

It's quiet like usual, there is barely any other surgeons or nurses walking the halls. I head to the stock room where I usually leave my things for the day. I place my jacket in my locker and take out my doctor's coat to begin my rounds.

Others have arrived now, I say my 'good mornings' and 'hellos,' like usual. No one ever seems to expect a thing, and if they do they just don't care. I'm fine with this I'm used to this feeling. This numbness. It's become a comforting factor in my life. It allows me to not get hurt anymore. I no longer want to meet people, go out, or do anything expect my routine. But I've also pushed those closest to me away. My family has been trying to see me for a while now, but I only make excuses. I can't bear for them to see me. I was supposed to be strong and happy. But then again a lot of things were supposed to happen…

_"Ichi, what do you think of moving in with me?" Grimmjow's face was stern and demanding, as if no wasn't an option; not like I would even consider it. I'm in love with him. I only smiled and rolled my eyes. His devilish smile never faltered as he jumped on top of me, connecting my lips to his. Thinking, 'Oh how I never want this to end…'_

Tears being to form, but they never spill over. I won't allow them too, I refuse; he doesn't deserve them, and they won't help anything. I wipe my eyes. I'm so stupid. I keep thinking of him and, all it does is hurt me and cause me more pain. While he probably doesn't think of me in the slightest and if he does, it's probably remorse for ever being with me. No texts, no calls, nothing. He obviously never loved me, though he told me oh so many times how he wanted us to be together, even when we were old and probably in a retirement home. He was always good at making pictures with words, describing how we would sit on our porch watching our adoptive children's kids playing on their bikes in the street… Fuck, I'm doing it again.

The memories that keep coming and going are becoming more and more painful as I keep reliving them in my mind. Even when I push them away I'm left with a headache. Which one of course has already made itself well known. I walk to the supply closet to grab some Advil for my already pounding head. I grab two pills and dry swallow them, it's easy since you get used to it after a while of taking them as often as I do. I seem to be getting headaches more frequently now. I should probably be concerned, but like most things now, I just don't care. I just want to finish my rounds of check ups and head home already. I want to crawl into bed and be miserable.

By the time my shift is over I've taken another two pills for my headache, which won't seem to go away. When I finally make it home, it's still freezing out. I really hate winter weather. If I could I'd move someplace warm all the time but, I can barley even deal with life at the moment. Trying to move basically to a new country, I can't see that happening.

I crank the heat to my apartment put my keys on the island table in the kitchen and make myself a small dinner. I haven't be able to keep all to much food down like I used to.

'_Geez Ichi, you could probably eat someone out of house and home! Grimmjow spoke as I went for my fifth slice of pizza.'_

"STOP IT!" I screamed at myself as another memory fled into my mind. I quickly finished making dinner grabbed a bottle water and ate on the island as quick as possible the sooner I was in my room the better. I threw the dishes in the sink not bothering to wash them. I went to my room to continue my routine. Sulk. I turn the stereo on and the album continues from where it last left off. It's the second song into the album; the song has a smooth melody but depressing lyrics. It's a strange yet beautiful combination. The chorus breaks in. My head bobs to the music knowing every beat and lyric to come. I fall backwards on my bed and lay there soaking up the noise. More memories begin to press forward but I won't let them forum. My eyes begin to unfocus, as I stare at the ceiling.

The song begins to end, with the beating drums slowly fading out. My favorite song is next. I sigh heavily. My heart begins to twist itself, making the already brokenness and emptiness I feel even more known. This is so pathetic! How obsessed I am over ONE human being. ONE that no longer cares, but for some stupid reason I still do; hoping for the day he comes back, with a huge apology and a reason to let me allow him to come back into my life. Then I'll be happy again as I slowly let him back in so I don't seem too eager . . . yeah that's what I'll do. That way he doesn't think I've been waiting and he can walk out again. That way if he does I won't as broken as last time.

He heart twists itself again at the thought of him leaving me a second time. That's something I couldn't live with. I can barely live with this. The songs become background noise for my thoughts. I always used to say over thinking will be the death of me. It might actually be true. Different ideas of the future begin to play in my mind, each without a happy ending. I think myself out of each one as soon as I begin to like the outcome. My heart protests each time. The headache is back, I grab the bottle of Advil I have been leaving on my nightstand and dry swallow another two and, wait for them to kick in. My thoughts continue with one horrible outcome after another.

Eventually I continue the ritual. Shower. Bed. Before I fall asleep I pray for the same thing I've been wanting for the last couple months. It's a sad thing to hope for, but it's the last thing I've got. One can only hope…


	4. Chapter 4

The rest of the week continues uneventfully, just like all the others before it. I follow the stupid routine I have set for myself and that's it. I haven't had my falling dream in a long time now. It's been a couple of days now since I originally first had the dream of the hospital and the never-ending hallway. It's now become the only dream I can remember. And every time I wake up right when I open the door to room six. It's starting to frustrate me, as I want to know what is behind the door. Even on the weekends when I don't have work I wake up as soon as the door is opened. I've stopped trying to find a door going toward the light instead I just run straight to room six, but to no avail it doesn't help.

It's Saturday today and I don't have to work. I've already made breakfast, did all my laundry, dishes, and chores I set for myself to get finished during the weekend. Sunday is going to be brutally painful, I think to myself. No sense in making more stress in my already shit hole lifestyle, I'll worry about Sunday when the time comes.

So for now I'm laying on my bed; the album is playing in the background. I have the volume set lower then I normally would. The dream of room six keeps pressing forward. My curiosity of wanting to know what could be behind room six seems to be getting the better of me. I tap my fingers along to the beat on my chest, as my mind wanders to what could be behind the door of room six. The obvious answer is Grimmjow. He is behind the door singing for me to come and find him, however in dreams the answer usually is never that straight forward. His voice is something I long for, the hospital its where I work, and the rest, well I have no idea.

Sighing heavily I get off the bed. It's been months but I decide to sit in my living room. I turn on the television; it makes a high-pitched noise before fading out when the screen comes into focus. It's an older television and since I rarely watch anything I don't mind; it gets the job done.

I flick mindlessly through the channels trying to find something of interest. I stop suddenly and scroll back down as I saw an interview for 'his' band come across the screen. I am able to catch the one-minute recap of what they were talking about. The interviewer speaks again about their new album that has been nominated for some award, along with their tour that has had more fans then they have seen in years. The last bit is how the tour will be ending here. In the town where the band originally started, and is already sold out though the concert won't be for another week. The interview ends and commercials take over the screen. I stare blankly. I have no idea if I should either be ecstatic or miserable. I want to see him yes, but that idea scares me to death. I also don't want to see him after what he did, but that makes me feel depressed. I've become lost as to what I should do.

I shut the television off. My head is pounding worse then ever with the constant back and forth war of trying to see him or not. I go to my room to grab another few painkillers to help. The room starts spinning before I make it to the nightstand. I fall to the ground not able to move any more. My head feels like it's going to split into two. My eyes begin to unfocus. The corners of my vision start to get blurry before slowly everything has a blurred over surface. Then blackness takes over. I drift off into unconsciousness.

During my time spent asleep I did not dream. There was nothing the entire time. I knew I was asleep, I could see the ink blackness that took over my mind. And that was it. No images, no endless hospital hallway. Not even my old falling dream. Just me and this ink blackness, that seems to consume everything here in the void of my mind. I wasn't even able to hear his voice play subconsciously into my mind. From the player that was left on.


	5. Chapter 5

I don't know how long I was stuck in the ink blackness of unconsciousness I was plagued in. But it seemed like forever. I awoke to bright overhead lights and the beeping of a monitor to my right. My head still ached and felt like it was going to explode any moment. I really just wished someone would turn off the lights. My hand itched at the protruding IV drip that was put in my skin. All in all I knew I was probably at the hospital I worked at but the question that bothered me the most was how the hell I got there in the first place…

When my eyes finally did focus to the brightness of the room I noticed a couple of things. There was no monitor I was hooked up to or IV drip connected to my hand. Also the indentations of what should be a window were in place along with a white box that resembled a small television hanging off the ceiling.

'Great, back to this hell hole.' I thought to myself as I got off the hospital bed, which of course was also white or off-white depending on how you looked at it. The door to my room was left ajar and I peeked my head out looking both ways. Sure enough the infinite hallways were in place along with the room markers. I was apparently stationed in room fifteen. Go figure.

I walk slowly to room six knowing what was to happen as soon as I tried to open the dam door. So taking my time I examined the windows and door indentations on my way to room six. The windows actually fully formed and were now able to be looked out of; though nothing could be seen expect white clouds in an off white sky. The ground faded to black so you could never see how far down it actually went and when you looked to far up the bright white of the sky took over. The doors with their still locked handles finally took the texture of actual wood instead of an untouched surface, which was smooth and slightly disturbing.

The changes were a little unnerving. But was to be expected. Maybe they had always been there; maybe I could just never remember when I woke up. The marker for room 7 comes into view. Only one more door now.

The door is ajar like normal. The music didn't get louder but still played thee entire time. I take a deep breath and let it out in one giant sigh before I push the door entirely open…

"We are sorry, Grimmjow," he looks up from his lover's face, to look at Ichigo's father. Grimmjow hasn't left Ichigo's side in the year's time, only when he had too. The tour cancelled. The band giving their condolences but eventually tried to make it on without him. He just sat in the hospital day in and day out, waiting for Ichigo to wake up. But now it seems like time has finally run out.

Grimmjow knew what he was talking about, he knew for a while this was going to be the outcome. They couldn't let Ichigo stay like this forever. Asleep. With such a little chance of him waking up, due to a seizure that put him into a coma. It was created from a huge strain of pressure his brain was put under. The doctors still don't know exactly what could have caused it. It happened right before Grimmjow was intended to leave for tour. Before he was supposed to tell Ichigo to wait for him and that he would call everyday and tell him that he loved him and still wished to be with him.

"Please you have to give him more time." He pleaded like the week before with Ichigo's father who gave him the extra week, before they decided to pull the plug.

"We can't anymore," his voice broke. "It's been over a year, I can't let him suffer like this. And the chance of him waking up now, they are so little that I can't keep hoping it will happen. I know you love him Grimmjow, but you need to understand. That his family can't take anymore of this. And I don't think you can either." No one talked for a while, realization setting into Grimmjow's mind.

"Say your goodbyes, we said them this morning before you came. The doctor will be in shortly to turn off the machine." With that Ichigo's father turned and left. His voice breaking at the end and tears starting to roll down his unshaven cheeks.

Grimmjow wanted to cry also but he couldn't, not yet. He grabbed Ichigo's hand and squeezed as hard as he could. "I love you. I'm not going to say I wish I had more time because that's obvious. I'm not going to say this is unfair, because it is. What am I going to say is this. I will always miss you. Though some days I may try and forget you to help me move on. I will always miss you. And I hope to see you in whatever happens in the end." Though he kept fighting, his tears finally pooled over and fell. He couldn't help himself as he began to sob still holding his hand.

Several minutes passed before a clearing of a throat had him turn around to see a doctor. Grimmjow nodded before leaning over and giving Ichigo a quick kiss on the lips. "I'll see you around Strawberry." He smiled as his tears fell on Ichigo's face. He walked out of the room as the doctor made his way over to Ichigo's bed. Grimmjow didn't look back. He knew if he did he would break. Break into a thousand pieces on the floor right there in the room. So he kept walking. Hoping, in his mind that one day, he would somehow see Ichigo again. One can only hope, right?

**Alright so this is it. I just want to throw a big thank you to whoever actually decides to read this. And maybe if I get enough feedback or if I have a decent amount of free time I may write more stories? Who knows... cya around :)**


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